Why Are Chinese Mothers So Tired?

Is mother playing the role of Savior, or is she still playing the role of savior?

The role of mother is too strong, and my father will become weaker and weaker. In fact, he is very anxious for his husband to share. He will control his family with self pity and resentment if he is in a bad mood.

Though mother did everything for us, she was still afraid of her. The vicious circle was terrible.

We will be tired because we do not know who we are, what we want and where we are going.

Wen Jun: People's daily launched a topic discussion at micro-blog: "why is Chinese mother so tired?"

Let's see what answers the netizens have.

First of all, the Chinese mother is too diligent. Is it easy for me to pull you up and grow up? Besides, Chinese mothers are too selfless.

There is also a view that Chinese mothers are too easy to worry, and that Chinese mothers are too strong in control. They pour their wishes on their children.

There is a more concentrated view that Chinese mothers especially like to compete.

Why are Chinese mothers so tired? We visited Jiang Peirong, a mother with three sons, and the author of Pei Rong's mother's Classics.

A terrible lie is "you can have everything".

Wen Jun: Why are Chinese mothers so tired?

Pei Rong: economists Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells are called "the most basic."

"Introduce a formula: reality expectation = happiness.

Although our reality has been greatly improved, Chinese mothers now have greater expectations for their future because of the freedom brought about by reform and opening up.

Wearing a gorgeous professional dress outside, she went home and continued to be bound by the deep-rooted Confucian thinking of women's definition and expectations.

It is not men who bind mothers, but women of the previous generation.

"Children do not teach and fathers pass" is also Confucian thinking, but not many fathers value this concept.

This is also because a family's real head is not always a father-in-law or a father, but a mother.

Because everything is mother's responsibility. When mom becomes mother-in-law, she continues to view her son as a child who has not yet grown up, and expects his son to not discipline his own children.

Because she was such a person before, she continued to pass this expectation on to her daughter-in-law.

Sandra Wilson, a psychologist, said in her book "Hurt People Hurt People": an injured person often hurts others, and our deepest injury comes from our favorite and trusted people.

Chinese mothers are tired, one of which may be the expectation that mothers or mother-in-law are too high for themselves.

Another modern, terrible lie is "you can have everything".

Such lies do not know how many bad mothers have been harmed.

Each person has only 24 hours a day, and the establishment of intimate relationships takes time.

A successful business.

Unable to allocate enough time to give children, a mother who can give children enough time can not allocate enough time to develop her career.

Although there are a few lucky mothers, they are not the closest relationship with their children.

This lie adds a layer of unrealistic expectation to Chinese mothers.

Mother's hidden trouble and breach of "head"

Wen Jun: what experience do you have?

Pei Rong: when the baby is born 100%, we need to rely on our mother. We do not know that with the growth of our children, we have to adjust ourselves.

We should know that the process of parenting is not only done by husband and wife, but also by family and school.

We are the whole team in raising this child.

If the child responsibility is always borne by the mother alone, she will always feel guilty and self reproach, because it is all her responsibility.

My husband and I work together to raise children.

The most typical example I have ever experienced is that the child has forgotten his schoolbag.

My instinctive reaction is that I should have done it for him long ago.

My husband would say this is his own business. Why do you feel guilty? If a partner like this reminds me, I will reflect: I have to train the children to regard this as his own business, but the training process is much more difficult than I do for him, and his mother is not good at training.

If we are in charge of all things, we will have no time and energy to train our children.

When I was in charge of the University, I believed in my master and separated from the traditional culture.

My child changed his diaper when he was an infant. His mother said that men could not do this at home.

If you go out to earn money, it's good for women to change their diapers.

The teachings of the Bible put the responsibility of raising children on their parents, especially in the father: "you fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but cultivate them according to the teaching and warning of the Lord."

Ephesians 6:4, "raise a child, and make him walk in the right way, even when he is old."

(Proverbs 22:6)

Wen Jun: what's wrong with mom's head and leader in a family?

Pei Rong: when a family has a woman to do the first thing, the mother has a more important order to protect the child's nature. Mother is often led by emotion instead of reason, so she let herself replace Jesus and become the Savior of the child.

I remember one time I was praying for a friend who had been struggling with pain, but unwilling to commit himself to Jesus. I asked God why he was so stubborn. Then I saw a scene in my mind that I was standing between this friend and Jesus. Only then did I realize that I was playing the role of the Redeemer, blocking the friend to see Jesus! How many of our mothers are playing the role of the Redeemer?

If we can not comply with the leadership of our husband and Jesus, we will probably take ourselves to the position of God. What a terrible thing it is!

A mother with a Christian family view will manage her marriage carefully, so that her husband can share the responsibility of running a family with himself, and can also share the surprise and happiness of childcare.

A wise mother will deliberately save time and energy to keep the marriage fresh, not sacrificing the marriage for the sake of the child, instead of breaking the blame for the child and being unable to pay the bill before God.

Wen Jun: what problems can mothers cause if mothers can't get enough rest and their minds are not safe?

Pei Rong: mothers will have all kinds of negative emotions.

These emotions are easily manipulated by her family when she is weak.

But because we are too responsible and easy to feel guilty, we will persist in sacrificing ourselves, leading to inconsistencies in our oral and actions.

Sisters, we need to let us know that we are saying, not saying no! We need the help of our family and other sisters to help our emotions, physical strength and bottom line. If we have enough energy but are emotionally controlled by us, which leads us to be unable to take heart orally, we are willing to give and take care of the family internally and unanimously, we need to let our emotions subside under our will, and let our emotions be subdued under the cross with gratitude.

If we do not give ourselves enough time and space to rest, we need to obey God, keep our bottom line and boundaries, and never force ourselves.

In this way, we will not get into a greater calamity. It is to manipulate or control family members with emotions and self pity, and become the mother-in-law who used to torture herself after forming habits.

We also need to follow the lead of our husbands and Jesus, because their leadership gives us protection.

When a family has a man's head, children can get the discipline, training, challenge they need, and grow and mature from risk and failure.

A more responsible management and balanced emotional balance in the family.

When a family has a man to do his head, his family is also more capable of leaving his home and serving the people around him.

Raising children is the furthest way to avoid trouble and take shortcuts.

Wen Jun: if Dad and mom do it together, will their father be tired? Now there is a saying that we can't lose at the starting line.

Pei Rong: we will be tired because we do not know who we are, what we want and where we are going.

It is difficult for a man to be compared with others to be who he is.

A person who grows up like this is used to comparing himself with others, comparing his husband with others' husbands, comparing his own children with others.

When a person knows the creator of his own God, has great recognition of his identity, and understands his unique value, she will not want to compete with others, because she is thoroughly loved and full of love for others.

The consequences of comparisons are the fear of being unable to keep up with others.

Wen Jun: many mothers will think that opportunities are limited. If I do not work hard, the children will lose these good resources.

Pei Rong: unlike intelligence quotient, IQ is more important than hard work and diligence. This kind of character needs to be trained. But one mistake of our mother is that my child's hard work and diligence are my thing, not a child's business, should I arrange for the children, or should I train children to grow through failure?

For example, I have to train children to wash dishes. Actually, I can see that there are many soap bubbles. I can't bear to see them. Just walk away and I'll do it. I'm doing better and faster than you, right?

I must put up with my nature, let him wash, and slow and not good.

I would like to show him a brush first. This is the standard. Well, you follow me to imitate it. Then he slowly bumps and bumps and washes unclean. But I have to restrain myself. This process may take three hours, but I wash it by myself, probably half an hour later.

I deprived him of training opportunities for saving time.

I feel that if mom wants to eat bitterness before eating sweet, don't be bitter before sweet.

We often prefer to save trouble, but there are more things behind us. The more we want to save trouble, the more troublesome.

Wen Jun: is Chinese mother tired because there is no mature purpose?

Jiang Peirong: I have written several books, such as teaching children to learn etiquette and raising children with a rich mentality. They all talk about how to deliberately cultivate children's habits and customs.

In fact, the biggest problem for Chinese children to study abroad is not their grades, but their ability to live, because they can't do anything at home.

We should leave more housework to our children and let them learn to manage their own time.

Are we going to play the role of the savior or the role of the builder? If we are the Savior, we will continue to save the children, because the children do not understand and the children are incapable, so we are saving them all their lives.

If we are the builders, we will try our best to let go, train the children to do it by ourselves, try them by themselves, grow up through their failures, and learn this skill.

Wen Jun: what do you think is the goal of raising a child as a parent?

Pei Rong: in the Bible, there is a very interesting saying: "without a vision, the people will be presumptuous". If we do not have a good vision, what kind of child do we want to raise? We either feel tired or not, and feel it is a burden and a burden.